Walk to Remember

October is Pregnancy and Infant loss Awareness month. I went to a gathering called “A Walk to Remember”. This was our first year participating and I really wish I had brought my camera. Many parents who have lost a baby due to miscarriage, still birth or infant loss gathered together at Layton park on Saturday. There was a musician from Arizona that came up to sing a song he had written when he lost his little girl. The song was so perfect. I have to figure out how to get a copy of it and when I do, maybe I can post it here.

After the program we each got a balloon. Pink for girls, blue for boys, and white if you didn’t know. We, of course, picked the blue balloon for Spencer. Then we walked around the park taking the steps they will never take. It was a nice walk except I was not feeling well and neither was Bryce. But it was kind of neat. My favorite part, and in a way my least favorite part, was when they read all the names of the babies that had gone too soon. When your baby’s name was read, you released your balloon.  There were so many balloons. As they read the names I couldn’t help myself but to shed just a few tears.

So many babies, and so many parents who had just a moment on this earth to hold their babes. It seems so unfair and unnatural to have to say goodbye to a child who is passing the portal to heaven before you do. I think about Spencer everyday. I am not completely healed but I know in time, it will continue to get better.

I love my children. But having my girls, especially Lizzie who was born after we lost Spencer, doesn’t take away the pain of knowing I have one that is not here. I have one that I’m missing everyday. I have one waiting for me.

To parents who have lost a child, my heart reaches out to you. You are not alone, and there is support. For those who know someone who has lost a child and don’t know how to support your friends/family, my heart goes out to you as well. It is hard to understand something you have never been through. And though we want to be understood, we don’t want you to ever have to face that kind of loss and pain.

You can not make it better. You can not make it easier. My advice is to love them. Love them with your hugs. Love them with memories. Love them with laughter. Love them with your tears. Do not love them with your advice. Do not love them with your reasons. Do not get angry back. And what ever you do, do not leave them lonely.

October 15th is national Pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. At 7pm light a candle to create a wave of light around the world in memory of babies lost to miscarriage, still birth and infant loss. And remember to give an extra bit of love to those grieving parents who have lost their darling babies.

To Spencer: We love and miss you much!