Another Year Without Him

I made it another year with out my sweet baby boy Spencer. I have been thinking a lot about him lately and what I should write here about these last four years. That’s right! He would be four years old today. I have heard a lot lately ,”You finally have your boy!” when people congratulate me on the birth of Xander. I have to admit, it brings bitter sweet feelings. On the one hand I am eternally grateful Xander is here and healthy, and I am happy I finally get to raise a boy here on earth. On the other hand, he is my second boy. I still consider Spencer very much part of my family and he always will be part of this family. Xander didn’t replace the one I lost and I wont just “get over” losing Spencer because I finally have my boy.

I can’t help but wonder what it would have been like to bring Xander to this world and have his big brother welcoming him. Would Spencer have been excited to be getting a brother? Would he take Xander under his wing and teach him how to be a boy like the way Katie teaches Lizzie how to paint her nails and play dress up? Would I be constantly kissing bruises and mending scrapes from their wrestling matches? Will Xander ever even feel that loss and know there is even a brother for him to miss and who will always watch over him? I can’t help but think of all the things Xander is missing out on without his big brother here. We still miss Spencer and miss him with every passing year and with each new experience that comes our way that he should have be able to experience with us.

I am grateful I have my boy. I am grateful for both of them. I just have one in heaven and one here. This has made me think again how well meaning people can say such hurtful things without meaning to be hurtful. I find I constantly remind myself as I hear these comments that they are trying to be nice as I smile and nod. Then I go and think about how much I miss him. So what should these well meaning people say when congratulating me on my little baby boy? It’s actually pretty simple. “Congratulations! What a beautiful baby!”  No need to even hint that there was a loss or that we were trying hard to get a boy or any of that stuff. Just congratulate me and that’s enough!

How would someone know to do this? Well, this question has motivated me to send advice out to the world especially those who have not had a close family loss or loss at all. It wouldn’t hurt for you to read a little about grieving. If you know someone close is grieving, it would do a world of good to just read up a little so that you can be a greater support and less of a shake of salt in a very raw wound. I had a friend tell me shortly after I lost Spencer that she didn’t need to read up on grieving because she herself wasn’t going through what I was going through. It helps a person who is grieving to understand the grieving process, but it also helps when those around them understand it as well. For this reason I have added a couple of  links to fantastic articles to help those of you out there who want to understand your friend or family member that is acting crazy after a loss, even if it has been four years.


In honor of our son Spencer I am making little crocheted bears to give to parents who have lost a child. I donate much of what I do in his honor to Utah SHARE. This organization helps parents who have lost a child through miscarriage, still birth and infant death.  Every year we try to donate something in memory of Spencer and invite any who would like to participate. If you would like a simple way to show support and honor the memories of ones loved by those you love, here are some more links. These are just for loss of a baby. If anyone knows of other links for other types of loss and grief, please share. You can always ask someone who is grieving what organization you can donate to in memory of their loved one. It’s a simple way to show your love and support. I know for me it means a lot when my friends and family remember Spencer, especially on this day.

Happy Birthday Spencer! We love you and miss you so much!